"The mountains are calling, and I must go." ~John Muir
I've rarely come across anyone who denies the beauty and wonder of a mountain view - the awe that fills their hearts as they stand, gazing out across the vast horizon of treetops that seem to go on forever. But there are some of us for which that "calling" runs much deeper - bringing to mind another quote: "And into the forest I go, to lose my mind and find my soul." And that's where I fit in - what I go into the mountains to find - not the person others think I should be - the person I truly am.
Anyone who knows me knows that I've struggled for most of my life to find that place where I truly fit in. I've always felt like the odd ball in a group of people - like I don't really have much in common with the people around me. I can't put my finger on just why that is, other than to say that it's something that comes from deep inside of myself - simply feeling like I'm not good enough - that I don't measure up - I don't make the cut. But when I'm out on the A.T., that feeling disappears. There's a certain bond that all of us hikers share when we're out there, forged through sharing all that life on the trail can throw at us. Positions in life disappear; no one person is any better than the other. Sure, some are young and full of energy - others are old, and still full of energy! And then there are people like me - people who struggle throughout the day with the terrain, the weather, or just being unprepared physically to climb mountains. And yet, we do it! At the end of the day, we gather at the shelter, or other camping area, to finally relax, often dry out after a day of hiking in the rain, and talk about our days - and our lives. It's as if we've known each other forever -
It's also sharing the triumph of reaching some kind of personal goal with my brother and sister:
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| Reaching the summit of Blood Mountain during our first section hike! |
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| Making it to Neel's Gap! |
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| Winding Stair Gap - another section completed! |
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| Big personal goal achieved! Made it across Fontana Dam! |
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| My biggest triumph yet - conquered the first half of the Smoky Mountains, making it to Clingman's Dome! |
As we've grown older, finding the time to spend together has grown much more difficult, making these section hikes all the more cherished.
But then, what I really find when I'm out there in the woods is me - and I am shown each time exactly what I can accomplish if I put my mind to it. What's found out in those mountains isn't always a pretty version of me. It goes without saying that after spending five or six days under conditions that require me to fully exert every muscle in my body lends itself to being very dirty and very smelly. It's just a fact of life out there. There are other versions of "me" that are found out there: I've laughed; I've cried; I've sung at the top of my lungs, trying to force myself to think of something other than the pain I'm in as I fight another ascent - with going downhill being even worse; I've fought over a stupid bag of instant rice, a prized possession that I wanted to save for later; I've thrown up from exertion (particularly in the Smoky Mountains); I've been so scared at night that I think I forgot to breathe; I've had a minor panic attack during a hand-over-hand rock scramble up Albert Mountain; I've been unable to eat, feeling weaker as each day progresses; I've been exhausted, cold, wet, and hungry - yes, always hungry; I hike slower than my brother and sister and am not the best at setting up my tent - or packing my gear the next morning; I've gotten stuck between rocks when my feet slip out from under me; I've found myself on my butt in a deep puddle of cold, muddy water, when my toe got caught on a root I couldn't see. But in the end, no matter what version of "me" shows itself, I've always finished. I've never quit - and I think it's safe to say that I rarely complain about it, even when I'm in pain or injured. And, I can't count the number of times when, after the trail has thrown its very best at us, we break out of the trees to a view like this one:
...or I find myself surrounded by the woods:
...and when I reach whatever my destination was, I can look back on it and feel proud of what I've done.
A friend told me the other day that I write more about my hikes than I do about my second passion, my writing - and that maybe that means my calling lies out there somewhere. Maybe she just might be right. Funny thing is, it's nearly impossible to explain all of this to someone who doesn't share my love of "living" in the woods for days on end. To most, it's something you schedule and go do, but it's not something you long for. I mean, why would you want to be tired, wet, cold, and hungry - all at the same time? I can't argue with that logic. I've asked myself those same questions many times -especially after reaching Clingman's Dome. Those are questions I simply can't answer - because the answer isn't simple. All I can say is that some things just are. Life dictates that I'm where I need to be right now, and I'm okay with that - but a piece of my heart lies on the A.T. - and those mountains truly are calling me. One day, I will answer the call.
